Comfort Zones

When people talk about comfort zones, I get the feeling that they're talking about taking risks. Whether that's in a career or hobbies or even relationships. I've always been a risk taker. I'm not scared to take a chance. I've moved many places, quit many jobs, joined different organizations, and introduced myself to all types of people. Basically... #cantrelate

However, now that I'm in my thirties, I can see that I do have comfort zones, but not in the traditional sense. My comfort zone is my appearance.

Whew..that was hard to write out. Blame Brene Brown and her talks on courage and vulnerability! If you haven't seen her Ted Talk or Netflix special...go watch it now!

I play it small when it comes to my looks. I wear minimal makeup. I don't dress flashy. I rarely get my nails done. I do basic hairstyles. Whatever I can do to get as little attention as possible, I pursue it. Seriously. I look in the mirror and say I just want to cover up these dark undereyes and fill in my brows.

This would be okay if this is actually how I wanted to look, but it's not and never really has been. I just fell into this (sorta like my career but that's another post). I can't pinpoint when it was that I stepped into the background in that department, but I want to say it has a lot to do with my university. I went to Howard in DC, which is known for it's fashionable yard and beautiful women of color. It's an intimidating school to attend. You can be as cute as a button, but there's always going to be someone cuter than you. Completely okay, but I think I fell into the mindset of, "well since I'm not going to be the best person in the room, I might as well not be there while being there." Then there's no expectation. What a warped way to think?

And now here I am. Typically the only Black woman in the room and I still play it small with my looks. I get nervous wearing my natural hair despite being natural for almost 9 years. I don't like to switch up my hair, because I don't like compliments. Well I do like compliments, but I don't like to accept them. Well I do like to accept them, I just don't want people to know.

When you got to a college with a lot of beautiful women who know they're beautiful, it makes it hard to also consider yourself beautiful when you know you don't look or even feel like they do. Now that I'm aging and really coming into my own, I want to look and feel beautiful too. And I don't want to care about the other beautiful woman in the room because I know I can share the spotlight with her.

Bites the Dust

I have relationship problems and sometimes... I am the problem.

I met a great guy recently. Great, great. I mean this wholeheartedly. I meet some very weird and off putting men. There is something ALWAYS wrong with them. They're either too thirsty or too cool to even appear interested. They have waaayyy too many kids or don't even want any. I had yet to meet anyone balanced until I met...this guy. And to meet him in Denver was fate. My dating life here has been sad. Whenever I meet other local single Black women, we end up trading war stories. Dating here sucks. Not just for us, but all women. The overload of men give Denver it's great nickname "Menver" and while you may think that's a good thing, somehow it's not in our favor. Bro culture is real and it truly excludes women. The lack of Black men available is slim to none and every 3 out of 5 Black men are dating a white woman. You can cite the eyes of Whitney on that stat!

So imagine my happiness meeting a great guy, a great Black guy, here in Denver who appears to be balanced and just my type. Take away all of the superficial things about a guy that can be seen as important like job, house, car, etc. He just had great character and energy. I really enjoyed my time with him. It felt refreshing and non-invasive. We spent a lot of alone time watching movies, sports, and just talking about life and our experiences and I never got turned off. Fun fact about me: everything irritates me for the most part. So meeting someone who doesn't get on my nerves, and who I don't mind spending a weekend with is amazing.

Nonetheless, after a great weekend of baseball, fitness, the arts, and food I was confronted with something I didn't think I was going to hear again.

"I'm not looking for a relationship." 

I've heard this line so much in my life that I should always expect it. But I thought I had met someone I was on the same page with. We had discussed our relationship histories in which he was much more experienced than me and even dubbed himself "a relationship guy." I was all ears very early in our interactions. I am definitely the opposite. My relationships are non existent, but I'm open to one and feel like right now in my life I am my most vulnerable and best self.

It was completely disappointing and something I don't think enough people talk about. That is meeting a great guy and not being on the same page with him. I'm so used to meeting terrible guys and not being on the same page with them (thank God!) And even then, I would still bend and mold myself just to see if maybe it could work. Or maybe he'll change his mind. When you've done that over and over and over again, it wears you down. And now I meet someone who would be a better person to go through those motions with, and I can't stomach it. And trust me... I tried. I sat with it. I asked questions. I got some of the answers that I wanted to hear, but not enough. I completely understood his reasoning and respected it, but for the first time I wanted to respect myself. So I walked away.

In my last post I wrote about balancing fears and success, and this is a great example. I fear I may not meet another guy like this. Especially while living here in Denver. I fear that I made a rash decision. I fear that I was impatient. I fear that I just jumped the gun and exited. But I also am proud of myself for putting my foot down and putting me first. I know what I want and I know I deserve to have the desires of my heart.

Balancing Act

I set a lot of goals every new year. They usually encompass the same themes: money, career, relationships, and fitness. And every year, I get no closer to the goal from 2018, 2017, 2016, and.. you get the point.

Despite not achieving my goals, I can't say I haven't accomplished things throughout the years. One thing I accomplished was living in Denver for a year and surprise, surprise! Still living here! I can't say I've made it my home though. It's hard to make a place your home that doesn't encompass the things that are important to you (cough cough Black culture) but I have found things I think I will struggle without if/when I leave such as cannabis, mountains, and sunny days. 

Something else I've accomplished is getting my own place sans roommate. I pray I never need another one because the moment I got the keys to my own spot, my maturity levels instantly increased. Having your own place is independence overload. You have to take out your own trash, or in my case place the trash outside of your door for the valet. You decorate it with your own personal style. You set the tone because you are the tone. 

Now that I'm in my 30's (shit every girl in her 30's starts a sentence off with), I realize life isn't slowing down or even rewinding. It's now or never. It adds a lot of pressure to the daily stress of life. Personally for myself, I wonder a lot about my relationships. Is the next guy I date potentially the one that I end up with, and if not will that ever happen. How much time do I really have to get pregnant? Is that even an option? Should I freeze my eggs? Is my career ever going to take off? Don't get me wrong. I completely understand I still have time, but I also know how time works and my concerns are valid. However, while I have these thoughts I want to make sure I applaud the things I am doing because some of these things I could have never imagined in my 20's. I'm glad that hot mess part of my life is done.  

So here's to balancing fears and successes (small or big) on the day to day to stay sane.